Depression and Dating
I suffer from depression. For those that have been following me or know me personally, this isn't breaking news. No, I'm not in a funk and no I'm not lazy or looking for pity. I didn't ask for this, I was born with a chemical imbalance in my brain that causes me to be sad, scared, and angry for no reason. It also causes me to make compulsive decisions, be overly-affectionate, and sometimes angry to the point that I scare people. It fucking sucks.
Despite the fact that I suffer from not one, but two mental illnesses, anxiety being the other, I can sometimes manage to get girlfriends or even get laid. Sometimes I even manage to date really amazing and beautiful women that makes me question life and how it works altogether. When it comes to dating someone with depression, or high-anxiety disorder, or even bipolar disorder, there are some things you need to realize.
The first thing is, they can't help the way they are. I'm not saying that you should give them a free pass for every time they make you upset or frustrated, but if they were honest about their disease, you should try your best to understand what they are going through. Sometimes they will have very low energy for no reason, maybe they won't want to have sex, maybe they won't give you the affection that you need or were getting before, maybe they're just flat out mean. If you care about this person, if you love them and have true feelings for them, you have to keep telling yourself that this is an illness at work. They don't want to be like this, it is truly awful. The way my brain works, well it's still a mystery. The best way I can explain it is like this; Normally I'm very guarded when it comes to getting involved with new people on an intimate basis. My life is full of hopelessness and despair, that has allowed other traumatic events to build up a depression sundae if you will. When I meet someone new and it feels like they truly get me, like me, and start showing me intimate affection, my brain starts to pump those good feelings full speed. It can't get enough. I go from a four to a ten in no time. This is something that I have worked on.
The problem is, most people with depression are very genuine people. We are very honest about our feelings almost to a fault. So if we like someone we tell them how we feel. It makes us very vulnerable. Which leads us to this, if you make a compulsive decision, or if you end up hurting this person, you have to be prepared for the worst. With me, if someone hurts me, I enter multiple stages. The first is confusion. My brain literally cannot understand why I am no longer getting the affection that I want. It spins my thoughts in an endless wheel, looking for answers. It tries to justify things, it questions things, and then it goes from bad to worst. If something feels "over", my brain will not accept that. My own thoughts will tear me apart. No one will be a bigger critic of myself than my own thoughts. "Why did I say this? What did I do wrong? Why me? You don't deserve to be happy. You'll never be happy." And sometimes, can and often leads to suicidal thoughts
On top of someone being suicidal about a breakup or a split, the person with a mental illness will act out in a few different ways. One being acting out of desperation. They want that affection back, they cannot rationalize why you are leaving. These feelings very well could be genuine. Maybe they truly feel this way, but most people that don't suffer from mental illnesses won't go to the lengths that someone with one will. The other reaction is anger. They are hurting, they feel like life isn't going to go on. They feel like they are hurting alone in this. I know for me, anger is a huge problem with my illness. I have hurt a lot of people that I truly care about. It sucks. Let me rephrase that, it is the worst feeling in the world and is the biggest trait that I have that I truly hate about myself. It is something that I have tried to work on for a long time. If someone hurts me, I want them to hurt. Not physically, but mentally. This is not ok. But again, if you truly want to understand mental illness, it is something that can or will happen. I've personally been on the other side of this. Now, I'm a forgiving person, but you don't have to be. Just know that if you are dealing with someone that is depressed or has any other mental illness, they can and will say things that they don't mean. That doesn't mean you have to accept what they say, I'm not asking you to be berated or to be put down and just accept it. I'm saying that, these people are not in full control of their thoughts. Their disease is telling them to hurt you. Try to talk to them, try to use positive reinforcement on them, or just let them vent and ignore them. When they come to their senses, they will regret it. I know myself, when someone hurts me I want to burn the bridge and then I later regret it. Life is hard enough living with depression, adding regrets because of your compulsive behaviours just makes it that much harder.
When someone that has depression says something negative i, it's hard not to think that it's true or that it's because of you. But you have to remember, you did not cause their illness. Their illness existed because of you.
Women that are dating men also need to understand that men are more likely to look for distractions from depression, and a lot of times those distractions are not very healthy, like drugs and alcohol for example. If you sense that a guy is hurting and you're worried they're going to dabble in self-destructive distractions, try to persuade them to positive ones. Or maybe even be a positive distraction yourself. Talk to them about their passions, or offer to take them out. They are seeking affection and attention, if you care about them you will help them find it.
For myself, I have to sadly admit that my depression has helped destroy relationships. It's caused me to act in a way that I am not proud of. I am not simply using my illness as an excuse. But there are times where I can't control my thoughts or how I react. I live with a lot of regrets. I constantly replay conversations and situations and wonder what would have been had I reacted differently. I live in pain. I'm simply trying to help others possibly avoid this or at least be prepared for it.
This all seems like I'm persuading people not to date someone that is honest about their mental illness. That is not true. If anything, I think if you truly are attracted to someone that has depression, and you truly care about them, loving someone with depression can be the ultimate reward. I for one would love to show someone else that is depressed a happiness that they never thought they would find. I would love for someone to show me that as well. There are going to be a lot of dark times, but man when things are good they will be great. And when things are bad they will be Hell. It's up to you to know if that person is worth it. It takes rain to make the sunshine seem special. That's what dating someone with depression is like. To me the it's worth the rain to get to the sun, and as a depressed-hopeless-romantic, I'll be over here waiting for my sun.
Despite the fact that I suffer from not one, but two mental illnesses, anxiety being the other, I can sometimes manage to get girlfriends or even get laid. Sometimes I even manage to date really amazing and beautiful women that makes me question life and how it works altogether. When it comes to dating someone with depression, or high-anxiety disorder, or even bipolar disorder, there are some things you need to realize.
The first thing is, they can't help the way they are. I'm not saying that you should give them a free pass for every time they make you upset or frustrated, but if they were honest about their disease, you should try your best to understand what they are going through. Sometimes they will have very low energy for no reason, maybe they won't want to have sex, maybe they won't give you the affection that you need or were getting before, maybe they're just flat out mean. If you care about this person, if you love them and have true feelings for them, you have to keep telling yourself that this is an illness at work. They don't want to be like this, it is truly awful. The way my brain works, well it's still a mystery. The best way I can explain it is like this; Normally I'm very guarded when it comes to getting involved with new people on an intimate basis. My life is full of hopelessness and despair, that has allowed other traumatic events to build up a depression sundae if you will. When I meet someone new and it feels like they truly get me, like me, and start showing me intimate affection, my brain starts to pump those good feelings full speed. It can't get enough. I go from a four to a ten in no time. This is something that I have worked on.
The problem is, most people with depression are very genuine people. We are very honest about our feelings almost to a fault. So if we like someone we tell them how we feel. It makes us very vulnerable. Which leads us to this, if you make a compulsive decision, or if you end up hurting this person, you have to be prepared for the worst. With me, if someone hurts me, I enter multiple stages. The first is confusion. My brain literally cannot understand why I am no longer getting the affection that I want. It spins my thoughts in an endless wheel, looking for answers. It tries to justify things, it questions things, and then it goes from bad to worst. If something feels "over", my brain will not accept that. My own thoughts will tear me apart. No one will be a bigger critic of myself than my own thoughts. "Why did I say this? What did I do wrong? Why me? You don't deserve to be happy. You'll never be happy." And sometimes, can and often leads to suicidal thoughts
On top of someone being suicidal about a breakup or a split, the person with a mental illness will act out in a few different ways. One being acting out of desperation. They want that affection back, they cannot rationalize why you are leaving. These feelings very well could be genuine. Maybe they truly feel this way, but most people that don't suffer from mental illnesses won't go to the lengths that someone with one will. The other reaction is anger. They are hurting, they feel like life isn't going to go on. They feel like they are hurting alone in this. I know for me, anger is a huge problem with my illness. I have hurt a lot of people that I truly care about. It sucks. Let me rephrase that, it is the worst feeling in the world and is the biggest trait that I have that I truly hate about myself. It is something that I have tried to work on for a long time. If someone hurts me, I want them to hurt. Not physically, but mentally. This is not ok. But again, if you truly want to understand mental illness, it is something that can or will happen. I've personally been on the other side of this. Now, I'm a forgiving person, but you don't have to be. Just know that if you are dealing with someone that is depressed or has any other mental illness, they can and will say things that they don't mean. That doesn't mean you have to accept what they say, I'm not asking you to be berated or to be put down and just accept it. I'm saying that, these people are not in full control of their thoughts. Their disease is telling them to hurt you. Try to talk to them, try to use positive reinforcement on them, or just let them vent and ignore them. When they come to their senses, they will regret it. I know myself, when someone hurts me I want to burn the bridge and then I later regret it. Life is hard enough living with depression, adding regrets because of your compulsive behaviours just makes it that much harder.
When someone that has depression says something negative i, it's hard not to think that it's true or that it's because of you. But you have to remember, you did not cause their illness. Their illness existed because of you.
Women that are dating men also need to understand that men are more likely to look for distractions from depression, and a lot of times those distractions are not very healthy, like drugs and alcohol for example. If you sense that a guy is hurting and you're worried they're going to dabble in self-destructive distractions, try to persuade them to positive ones. Or maybe even be a positive distraction yourself. Talk to them about their passions, or offer to take them out. They are seeking affection and attention, if you care about them you will help them find it.
For myself, I have to sadly admit that my depression has helped destroy relationships. It's caused me to act in a way that I am not proud of. I am not simply using my illness as an excuse. But there are times where I can't control my thoughts or how I react. I live with a lot of regrets. I constantly replay conversations and situations and wonder what would have been had I reacted differently. I live in pain. I'm simply trying to help others possibly avoid this or at least be prepared for it.
This all seems like I'm persuading people not to date someone that is honest about their mental illness. That is not true. If anything, I think if you truly are attracted to someone that has depression, and you truly care about them, loving someone with depression can be the ultimate reward. I for one would love to show someone else that is depressed a happiness that they never thought they would find. I would love for someone to show me that as well. There are going to be a lot of dark times, but man when things are good they will be great. And when things are bad they will be Hell. It's up to you to know if that person is worth it. It takes rain to make the sunshine seem special. That's what dating someone with depression is like. To me the it's worth the rain to get to the sun, and as a depressed-hopeless-romantic, I'll be over here waiting for my sun.
Chad this is amazing. Thank you for saying all the things I couldn't, especially relationships.
ReplyDeleteChad this is amazing. Thank you for saying all the things I couldn't, especially relationships.
ReplyDeleteSo impressed with your willingness to put yourself out there like this and with your gonesty. I found somebody who allows me to be me, who understands my illness, loves me just the same and will still call me on my bullshit when necessary. I still struggle to talk about depression and cold nor do what you did.
ReplyDeleteI admire you and wish for you continued strength.