Depression. Hurting Others That You Care About

Why did I say that? What was I thinking? Have you ever said something to someone that you didn't mean? If you're a human being you've probably asked yourself these questions before. If you suffer from depression you might ask yourself these questions every single day. I know I do. Regrets are something must humans have, but when you suffer from depression, they are quantified and can eat you alive. Especially if you burn a bridge with someone that you once or still care about. That happened to me recently and this probably won't be the last time.

I recently wrote about what it's like to date someone with a mental illness. I myself was seeing someone recently that inspired said blog post. I consider myself a very loyal, very guarded person, traits that are inspired by my depression. I've been hurt a lot, so those that have stayed loyal to me, I consider people that I would do anything for until the end of my life. However, when someone breaches that loyalty, my mind goes into defense mode. I try to explain this to people as well. My brain, because of my disease, does not process feelings in a rational way. Everything is sped up, good and bad. When things are good, they're really good. You'll never fun someone more funny, more loving, or more loyal. When things are bad, my brain knows that I'm hurting. On the surface,  I try to play it cool. I try to act like the average person would act, maybe just wait it out, wait until things die down, and then talk it out. I wish it was that easy. I wish I could do that.

But I can't.

It is something that I have worked on for a long time. My friends and family that are close to me know this. When I feel betrayed, I seek to destroy. If you make me hurt, I want you to hurt. This is not a justification for myself or anyone else acting in a toxic way towards someone just because they have an illness. I'm simply trying to document what it is like to live with this insidious disease. No one that suffers from a mental illness wants to be depressed, or angry, or up and down, and out of control of their emotions. Hell, I consider myself a pretty manly and semi-good looking guy, so no I don't like to feel sad for no reason. I don't like that there are days where I have no energy and want to just lie down all day wishing I were dead. And mostly, no I don't like how vile I become when people hurt me.

Let's backtrack real quick. What are the most common reasons people with depression end up losing friends, family members, or loved ones out of their life? It's not because their bad people, usually it is due to a lack of reciprocation and relationship maintenance. Friendships and relationships are two-way streets. It takes both parties to be invested in each other. It can't be one-sided. The problem is, it is very easy for the depressed person to take things the wrong way. Maybe they see their friends out without them, or their friends meet someone new. Feeling not included is a very common feeling for depressed people. When you suffer from depression you often feel like you're not good enough for most people. I have a good bit of friends and there are times where they simply just want me to keep them company and I have zero desire to be in the outside world. I don't want to go anywhere where lots of people will be. Sometimes just the thought of going out can trigger my anxiety to the point where it is crippling.

I can see how this can turn people off. Hell, it makes me angry that I get like this. It is something that I have to cope with every single day. The constant maintenance of dealing with me is not something that I wish to burden people with. It is a big reason why I try to avoid dating. I don't want to treat someone that I like this way. I don't want to be able to make them feel like they are missing out on things in life. I also don't want to be rejected. No one does. But rejection for someone that is depressed can be the ultimate dagger.

I'm not talking about someone turning me or you down for a date. That is nothing. I'm talking about having someone come into your life. You both develop deep feelings for each other only to have them walk out of your life one day. That is something that the non-mentally ill people in this world have a hard time dealing with. We all do. But when you are depressed, your brain is already telling you that you don't deserve this person. "Why are they even with me?" "Do they really even like me?" "I bet they're just using me". Paranoia and a lack of confidence can consume a depressed person whenever they enter a new friendship or relationship. It's why I put up this huge wall trying to avoid the situation altogether.

And if that person hurts me, that's when my brain loses control. All of the sudden my heart is racing, anxiety is worse than ever, negative thoughts are flooding my brain. Why? I should have just stayed behind my wall. I should have never let them in my life. They tell you that they no longer see you being in their life. Now you're at rock bottom emotionally. You already had those thoughts about yourself. Now someone that you liked and cared about is telling you that you're not good enough for them. Ok.....Try to stay calm. You text your friends to let them know you are ok. They're telling you to hang in there and not to freak out. They know that you can't process this clearly like other people. You have a chemical imbalance in your brain.

Whenever someone that I cared about hurts me emotionally, my brain is looking for the easiest solutions to deal with this pain:

Drugs and alcohol
Suicide
Go on the defense and make them hurt


I am not condoning any of these. Please, please don't do any of these things when you are at your most vulnerable. I can't tell you how close I have been to being dead. Twice I have been dead for almost a minute only to be revived in the hospital. I have sat there with a bottle of whiskey and sleeping pills and a weapon ready to end it all. Somehow, someway I am still here. I want you to be here with me.

I have worked on trying to not overreact for a long time and for a while there I thought that I had improved. That is until someone that I truly liked and cared about hurt me emotionally. And there I was, in this same cycle. Rinse and repeat. I was hurting, when out and got drunk and high, contemplated suicide, and then once I sobered up, I burned the bridge. I said a bunch of hateful shit that I instantly regretted. Lies and mean things that I didn't mean. I wanted this person to hurt like I was hurting. That is not who I am. That is the disease. That's what this disease can do. If I didn't regret these things to this day, maybe you could call me a sociopath or a narcissist. However, I've done everything I can to apologize to this person. I wish I hadn't said those things or reacted that way. Apologizing to a person that hurt me, because that's how sincere it is. I know that they had to do what they had to do. I wanted to handle it like a normal rational person, and this fucking disease eats at me. Every single night I sit and hate myself for things that I have done in said out of compulsion. Why am I like this? Why is this disease like this? Why is there no cure?

Maybe you don't do these things. If you suffer from depression and you've never hurt someone you care about, kudos to you. Seriously. I've talked to several other depressed people and they have similar stories to me so I wanted to write about them. If you know someone is depressed, and they say things to you that you know that don't mean, how do you handle that? I mean, myself, I'm a forgiving person. My family and friends have all at one time said things to me that were pretty harsh that I know they didn't mean. With depression, it is even easier to fall into that trap.

Burning bridges when you're depressed can also be an escape. Depression warps reality. In your head, you are thinking unclearly, you are doing what is a quick fix to possibly even the odds. The disease is telling you that if you're going to hurt, they should hurt to. That is not ok. That is not going to make things better. If you make that person hate you, it might make it easier. At least then you know where you stand. That's toxic. That's garbage. You'll only make things worse in your own mind in the end. I've learned this lesson the hard way.

I wish I had something to add in terms of how to avoid these situations. All of us will experience some form of heartbreak. Support systems are important. Have someone you can call or text and let them know that you are hurting and that you are worried you might do something you will regret. Do not let this disease win. Burning bridges when they don't need to be burned is the disease making things worse. I know this now.