My Monster. My only friend.


My eyes are open. My heart is racing. Here I am yet again, I feel like I’m fucking drowning. The walls feel like they’re closing in on me. Everyone sees my flaws. I feel so naked. My nightmares are there in broad daylight. They mock me. I hear their whispers; I can feel them over my shoulder.The brand new day is finally here, the day that I convinced myself was going to be better than yesterday, just last night. It never ends, it will never end. I know that.

There are moments of actual light, I try to cherish those. I try to think of those good times, no matter how sporadic and meaningless they were. Sometimes you even give those up to the darkness, it consumes everything. My brain is made of thunderstorms. It feels like something is digging around in my mind, playing with it, playing with me for its own amusement.

I’m cursed…. Or crazy. Or both. My mind wonders off its leash. I feel like my mind knows when I’m talking about it. I’ve often felt separated from my body. I look at myself, and I can’t stand what I see. I loathe being alive. I seek death. I seek eternal slumber. I dread waking up. There are never any good days, just days that aren't as awful.

There it is. A perfect day. Sunshine, friends, family, music, smiles, nature, I look into in the sky and suddenly a feel a surge of light going through my veins. This feeling, I've chased you for so long. Is this what normal feels like? Don't ever leave me. Life isn't like this. I know that. It's nice to believe. My friend never lets me forget that. 

 I seek so many things that make me just happy enough to numb the pain for as long as I can. Sex. I like that. Food. I love that. Parties were great. But even when surrounded by people, I still feel so alone. Video games. I like escaping into other realities. Once that wears off, all of those bad things, they come back for me. They never forget. Somedays I think, maybe they’ll just forget about me. I hope, I pray, I wish upon the stars. But they’ll never leave me. They’re the only ones truly loyal to me in this whole world. It’s not just my monster, it’s my only friend. Here with me until the bitter end.

Comments

  1. UnknownSeptember 21, 2018 at 7:47 AM

    Here if you ever need to talk or wanna talk message me i deal with bipolar depression

    ReplyDelete

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