A Single Father's Life
I have wanted to write this blog for a while now. Ever since my son was born, honestly. I just wanted to do it right and make sure that I was in a position where I felt I was truly ready to speak on it. Today is finally that day and I'm ready to talk about my life as a father. Not just a father, a single father, with 50-50 custody, to the sweetest, loving, awesome little boy ever, Jameson Thomas Nolan.
A few things I want to get out of the way before we proceed.
Background:
I grew up without my biological father. I never saw him, knew him, heard him, of him, didn't know his name or why he wasn't around. It was as if someone literally deleted the idea of a "dad" out of my brain. I asked my mother about him at certain spots and she did not want to discuss it. I looked to my grandfather as a father figure until he passed. He was awesome. He drove me everywhere, always enjoyed my company even if he didn't talk much. It is honestly amazing the impact that man had on my life considering he passed away when I was ten years old, and have now lived more than 2/3 of my life with him gone. To this day I still think about him from time to time, missing him, and looking to him when I start to go off a the right path.
I don't know how much of my life would have differed had I had my father. More structured? Would I have learned how to treat women better? Had a better work ethic? High standards? Would I have not had to teach myself how to drive, or about sex? Most importantly, would have learned to be a better father? These are questions that will never be answered.
More about me, I haven't always made the right choices. I've quit jobs, I've quit college, been arrested, lost relationships, battled depression, had trouble with booze, lost friends, etc. I have come a long way. I started righting my ship around 2012, had some ups and downs, but then everything changed in April of 2018 when Jameson was born.
I wanna preface this with, I have never felt unconditional love. I've loved a few women, I love my friends and family, but until I saw my son be born, and held him on my chest, I have never felt LOVE. I have never cried like that. Cried because I couldn't believe I helped create this beautiful specimen. With Jameson being born, I had big plans. I was going to marry his mother, get a house together, and have the atypical American dream type of family. I had visions of vacations, and movie nights, picking him up from practices, and having this family for the rest of my life.
A year later that dream died. We separated. I will not go into details. We were both at fault but I certainly blame myself for my family dying. One day you have them there every day. You get good mornings, kisses, cuddles, laughs, and sex. The next day you wake up alone. Unwanted, undesired, unloved. But this isn't just a normal breakup. A breakup people get over. You meet someone else, you grow as a person, eventually you move on. When your family breaks up, it stays with you. My son, just one years old, now doesn't see me every day. Sometimes he goes a few days without seeing me. Insecurity ensues. What if my son thinks I don't love him? He's probably wondering why I drop him off and leave all the time. How is this affecting him?
The first day I ever truly cried about it was this past summer, around the 4th of July. After about 7 months, his mother began dating someone new. This is something any parent with shared custody will likely experience. It's dreadful. I had just taken my son up to the lake with me. An amazing weekend of he and I getting some real alone time. Playing, chilling out with my good friends. A long ride there, a long weekend that went by too short, and a long ride home. I felt great. I was told how good of a dad I was and how great my kid is. Back in Pittsburgh, I pull up to his mother's house to drop him off. She's there, with the new guy. I give my son a big hug and kiss, I won't be seeing him for three days. I look back and the three of them walk away. I log onto Facebook to see the three of them and her other son in a "Family picture". It stings. My heart sinks, tears rush down my face. It's hard to breathe and I can't speak. I love this child. His laugh, the way he looks at me, the bond we share. I don't wanna lose that ever!
It is not jealousy..... I mean I've been the step dad before. This man is not doing this to spite me, he chose to date a women that has kids, one of them is mine. These things are common nowadays. But that is my son, I wanna be his man.
As big of a gut punch it was to drop my son off with his other family, it wasn't the worse. One weekend I went grocery shopping by myself while he was at his mother's. As I'm going through the store, I hear a familiar child's laugh. "Jameson". First, I was excited because I had not seen him since the previous Wednesday night. Then I began to tremble, it is him, and he's laughing and happy, shopping with his brother, mom, and step dad. I'm here in the store shopping by myself. Sad, lonely, missing my bundle of joy. I couldn't face them. I wanted to see my son right there and hug and kiss him but I wasn't strong enough. Fear and sadness had defeated me. This is my new normal.
This is what they do not tell you about. You see, I post all the good times. I post the daily trips to shop, eat, and play. I post the laughs, the smiles. When I have my son, which is 2 days a week one week, and 5 days the next, it's great. He has my full attention. Outside of having my mother and sister watch him when I work, it's truly he and I. I'm not dating anyone at the moment, so it's truly just us two. I dread when I know it's time for him to go to his mother's. If you could see loneliness in the air, it would follow me home from dropping him off. I feel empty. I wonder what he's doing, if he's ok, if he misses me. Often I make up excuses just to call him. I offer ride and to bring stuff to him just to see him for a few seconds. Sometimes I don't even like to clean up his toys right away when he leaves because it just makes it feel even more empty. I don't post that. I don't post how I seen him on his mom's Facebook pictures, experiencing things without me. Living half of his life in a world that I am not a part of. I don't post about sharing birthdays and other holidays. The feeling of wanting to over compensate with gifts and trips and love because I feel I have to make up time and compete. All the courtrooms, lawyers, money, that shit is the easy part. These feelings of things you cannot control are the real horror.
You can go online and do hours and hours of research about how to cope with living in a shared custody situation. Get your lawyer, be a good father, get a support system. Nothing will prepare for this. This is just the beginning. My son is only turning two in April. Almost his entire life he's known nothing but going to mommy's and to go to daddy's. It's only going to get harder. School, vacations, learning things, experiencing life, and eventually my son will have his own opinions. The focus is to do what you can to make sure he's happy and healthy. Easy said, until you realize that no one is making sure you're happy and healthy. A single father's life is a lonely life. I have him that's it and it's enough but he is all I have.
It isn't all bad. You learn to make the best of it. You learn to create a new normal and make it normal, if for no other reason but for the child. I have my time with Jameson. It's just us. I don't go out when I have him. I don't ask people to watch him so I can go do things, and I schedule anything I have to on days I don't have him. I make sure that when it's my time with him that I make it 100% about him. I appreciate the time I get with him. We play, we read, watch movies, we laugh, and we're affectionate. I cherish every single second I get with him. He is and always will be the best thing to ever happen to me and every day I let him know that. When I hear that "DADA!" all that sorry and emptiness washes away.
There will be highs and lows. The lows are really low. Sometimes he wants his mother. You feel helpless, you're a single guy alone with your child who's crying for his mom, who's with another man. You'll drop him off and see him excited to be there and while you're happy he's happy, you realize he's happy in part of reality that you're in. Nothing will make those feelings go away, but the highs will be just as high. When you had a long day of playing, and reading, and shopping, and you settle down at night, to have him tugging on your ear, looking you in the face, you can feel his love. It's still there and it always will be. You're still his father.
I have no real advice for any of this stuff. I'm just now creating this life as my new normal. And that's what it is. It's not normal until it is. What I have done is I've let go anger and the resentment. I treat his mother with nothing but respect because that's what my son would want and that's what is needed to be done to ensure I'm in his life as much as I can be. I have my son. I have him 50-50 and I see him at least 6 days a week, 5 at the very least. I will do everything I can to make sure my son doesn't have to ask the questions I asked at the beginning of this blog. Even if I have to share him, I'll be there. He will know I fought to be in his life. He will know I'm his father.
A few things I want to get out of the way before we proceed.
- I will not be bashing my son's mother in this post.
- I'm writing this to give a glimpse into the day and a life of what's it like for me as a single father with shared custody of my son.
- I am not special. This post is not to gloat or say "Look at how great of a dad I am"
Background:
I grew up without my biological father. I never saw him, knew him, heard him, of him, didn't know his name or why he wasn't around. It was as if someone literally deleted the idea of a "dad" out of my brain. I asked my mother about him at certain spots and she did not want to discuss it. I looked to my grandfather as a father figure until he passed. He was awesome. He drove me everywhere, always enjoyed my company even if he didn't talk much. It is honestly amazing the impact that man had on my life considering he passed away when I was ten years old, and have now lived more than 2/3 of my life with him gone. To this day I still think about him from time to time, missing him, and looking to him when I start to go off a the right path.
I don't know how much of my life would have differed had I had my father. More structured? Would I have learned how to treat women better? Had a better work ethic? High standards? Would I have not had to teach myself how to drive, or about sex? Most importantly, would have learned to be a better father? These are questions that will never be answered.
More about me, I haven't always made the right choices. I've quit jobs, I've quit college, been arrested, lost relationships, battled depression, had trouble with booze, lost friends, etc. I have come a long way. I started righting my ship around 2012, had some ups and downs, but then everything changed in April of 2018 when Jameson was born.
I wanna preface this with, I have never felt unconditional love. I've loved a few women, I love my friends and family, but until I saw my son be born, and held him on my chest, I have never felt LOVE. I have never cried like that. Cried because I couldn't believe I helped create this beautiful specimen. With Jameson being born, I had big plans. I was going to marry his mother, get a house together, and have the atypical American dream type of family. I had visions of vacations, and movie nights, picking him up from practices, and having this family for the rest of my life.
A year later that dream died. We separated. I will not go into details. We were both at fault but I certainly blame myself for my family dying. One day you have them there every day. You get good mornings, kisses, cuddles, laughs, and sex. The next day you wake up alone. Unwanted, undesired, unloved. But this isn't just a normal breakup. A breakup people get over. You meet someone else, you grow as a person, eventually you move on. When your family breaks up, it stays with you. My son, just one years old, now doesn't see me every day. Sometimes he goes a few days without seeing me. Insecurity ensues. What if my son thinks I don't love him? He's probably wondering why I drop him off and leave all the time. How is this affecting him?
The first day I ever truly cried about it was this past summer, around the 4th of July. After about 7 months, his mother began dating someone new. This is something any parent with shared custody will likely experience. It's dreadful. I had just taken my son up to the lake with me. An amazing weekend of he and I getting some real alone time. Playing, chilling out with my good friends. A long ride there, a long weekend that went by too short, and a long ride home. I felt great. I was told how good of a dad I was and how great my kid is. Back in Pittsburgh, I pull up to his mother's house to drop him off. She's there, with the new guy. I give my son a big hug and kiss, I won't be seeing him for three days. I look back and the three of them walk away. I log onto Facebook to see the three of them and her other son in a "Family picture". It stings. My heart sinks, tears rush down my face. It's hard to breathe and I can't speak. I love this child. His laugh, the way he looks at me, the bond we share. I don't wanna lose that ever!
It is not jealousy..... I mean I've been the step dad before. This man is not doing this to spite me, he chose to date a women that has kids, one of them is mine. These things are common nowadays. But that is my son, I wanna be his man.
As big of a gut punch it was to drop my son off with his other family, it wasn't the worse. One weekend I went grocery shopping by myself while he was at his mother's. As I'm going through the store, I hear a familiar child's laugh. "Jameson". First, I was excited because I had not seen him since the previous Wednesday night. Then I began to tremble, it is him, and he's laughing and happy, shopping with his brother, mom, and step dad. I'm here in the store shopping by myself. Sad, lonely, missing my bundle of joy. I couldn't face them. I wanted to see my son right there and hug and kiss him but I wasn't strong enough. Fear and sadness had defeated me. This is my new normal.
This is what they do not tell you about. You see, I post all the good times. I post the daily trips to shop, eat, and play. I post the laughs, the smiles. When I have my son, which is 2 days a week one week, and 5 days the next, it's great. He has my full attention. Outside of having my mother and sister watch him when I work, it's truly he and I. I'm not dating anyone at the moment, so it's truly just us two. I dread when I know it's time for him to go to his mother's. If you could see loneliness in the air, it would follow me home from dropping him off. I feel empty. I wonder what he's doing, if he's ok, if he misses me. Often I make up excuses just to call him. I offer ride and to bring stuff to him just to see him for a few seconds. Sometimes I don't even like to clean up his toys right away when he leaves because it just makes it feel even more empty. I don't post that. I don't post how I seen him on his mom's Facebook pictures, experiencing things without me. Living half of his life in a world that I am not a part of. I don't post about sharing birthdays and other holidays. The feeling of wanting to over compensate with gifts and trips and love because I feel I have to make up time and compete. All the courtrooms, lawyers, money, that shit is the easy part. These feelings of things you cannot control are the real horror.
You can go online and do hours and hours of research about how to cope with living in a shared custody situation. Get your lawyer, be a good father, get a support system. Nothing will prepare for this. This is just the beginning. My son is only turning two in April. Almost his entire life he's known nothing but going to mommy's and to go to daddy's. It's only going to get harder. School, vacations, learning things, experiencing life, and eventually my son will have his own opinions. The focus is to do what you can to make sure he's happy and healthy. Easy said, until you realize that no one is making sure you're happy and healthy. A single father's life is a lonely life. I have him that's it and it's enough but he is all I have.
It isn't all bad. You learn to make the best of it. You learn to create a new normal and make it normal, if for no other reason but for the child. I have my time with Jameson. It's just us. I don't go out when I have him. I don't ask people to watch him so I can go do things, and I schedule anything I have to on days I don't have him. I make sure that when it's my time with him that I make it 100% about him. I appreciate the time I get with him. We play, we read, watch movies, we laugh, and we're affectionate. I cherish every single second I get with him. He is and always will be the best thing to ever happen to me and every day I let him know that. When I hear that "DADA!" all that sorry and emptiness washes away.
There will be highs and lows. The lows are really low. Sometimes he wants his mother. You feel helpless, you're a single guy alone with your child who's crying for his mom, who's with another man. You'll drop him off and see him excited to be there and while you're happy he's happy, you realize he's happy in part of reality that you're in. Nothing will make those feelings go away, but the highs will be just as high. When you had a long day of playing, and reading, and shopping, and you settle down at night, to have him tugging on your ear, looking you in the face, you can feel his love. It's still there and it always will be. You're still his father.
I have no real advice for any of this stuff. I'm just now creating this life as my new normal. And that's what it is. It's not normal until it is. What I have done is I've let go anger and the resentment. I treat his mother with nothing but respect because that's what my son would want and that's what is needed to be done to ensure I'm in his life as much as I can be. I have my son. I have him 50-50 and I see him at least 6 days a week, 5 at the very least. I will do everything I can to make sure my son doesn't have to ask the questions I asked at the beginning of this blog. Even if I have to share him, I'll be there. He will know I fought to be in his life. He will know I'm his father.
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