You saved me

As I begin to write this blog, I am quite sure that some people will say that another person should not be a reason for you changing for the good. I am sure that people will say that you should not need a reason for being a better person. I agree with that premise but that doesn't make it untrue. My son, Jameson Thomas Nolan, born April 23rd, 2018, not only changed my life, but he changed my entire outlook on life. He saved me.

Growing up, I never knew my father. Let's take that a step further, not only did I not know my father, I never saw a picture of him nor was I even given a name. I was told different stories about what happened for me to be born and why he wasn't around. Some of those stories were not happy ones. Growing up, I became jaded and resentful for not having a father, and used it as a crutch to fuel my bad behavior and depression. So many nights I blamed god and asked him why I didn't have a father

As a child I looked to my pap to be my father figure. He was everything to me. He was beloved by family and friends, more so than anyone else in my family that I've ever seen. Even when he had lung cancer over the age of 70, he drove me to school, football practice, everywhere. He was a great man. My fondest memories were just sitting with him on the couch. We didn't even have to say anything, even to this day I can still remember that warm feeling of love and safety. My pap, Thomas Nolan, passed away when i was 10 years old. That day a part of my soul died. He was the only father figure I had, and from that moment my life began going in the wrong direction. 

As a teenager I was a piece of shit. I lied, partied, fucked up in school, and did about everything bad that you can imagine. This continued into my 20's. I drank a lot, I used drugs a lot, and I tried to end my life several times. I went from job to job, I had lost all motivation to succeed and better myself. I hit a low-point in 2011-2012 when I not only did I get broken with, have several attempts to end my life, but I was also in trouble with the law. Rock bottom...........

Then things slowly changed, I focused and worked on bettering myself. Something was missing though. I still had the habit of going from job-to-job and being an all-around asshole. I was still very depressed and generally unhappy. I attempted suicide once again and still longed for death.  In the summer of 2017, I learned that I was going to be a father. It wasn't planned, I wasn't married or engaged, and I had more fears than excitement. As excitement finally begin to set in, my partner lost her baby.........Another all-time low.

Which makes the birth of Jameson even all the more special. He was meant to be. He was conceived months later, and my hunger for becoming a father was strong. I was never one to show emotion, I have huge intimacy issues, and I was never one to even say "I love you" and mean it. I was afraid of love, always worried about being rejected. Jameson, has changed all of that. From the moment he and I first locked eyes, I cried and felt a love inside of me that I hadn't felt since I was a child.

It's one thing for me to post pictures on social media and tell people how much I love this kid, but the people around me can see it and feel the changes he's made in me. I've become more patient. I don't get as upset as quickly (although still an issue) I'm more affectionate, and I've learned to appreciate my friends and family more.

My entire life I've been searching for this feeling, this feeling of meaning, this feeling of love. When I see my son look at me and smile and laugh, it's new, it's fresh, it captures my soul. I have never felt like this before. I know I'm not the only that became a father or takes care of his kid, I'm not special. know that I'm far from the perfect father, but I do know that I love Jameson and he loves me, and that love has made me a better person in every way possible.

My life feels like it has purpose. I go to work not just for myself, I go to provide for him. All of the nights I came home to an empty house and going to sleep alone, and now I come home from work with him anticipating my arrival, usually with a giant smile on his face. It melts me. I don't know if I believe in God, but I'll tell you one thing, the birth of my son sure as hell makes me want to believe. My selfishness has turned into selflessness very quickly, my moods, despite my depression, are way more consistent on the good level.

(There are still bad days. My depression isn't cure nor will it ever be. I still have bad thoughts, I still see my therapist, and by no means am I saying that if you are depressed that having a child will make your life better)

All of those nights of feeling alone, feeling unwanted, feeling unloved, feeling hopeless, and wishing for death, they all disappear when I look in his eyes, everything just simplifies. Jameson hasn't cured my depression, he hasn't solved all my problems, but he did save me from myself. And for that I am forever grateful.